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132 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE
(in no particular order)


 
  • "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."

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  • Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

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  • "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

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  • Interpretive dance.

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  • "Musical accompaniment provided by..."

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  • Stage your own death/suicide.

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  • Lead the spectators in a Wave.

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  • Have a sing-a-long.

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  • "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"

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  • "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."

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  • Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.

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  • Puppets show.

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  • Group prayer.

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  • Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.

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  • Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.

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  • "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"

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  • Imitate Groucho Marx.

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  • Mime.

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  • Hold a Tupperware party.

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  • Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.

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  • "Everybody rhumba!!"

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  • "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."

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  • Charge a cover and check for ID.

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  • "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal oppression of minorities..."

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  • "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"

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  • Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...

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  • Use a Super Soaker to point at people.

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  • Surreptitiously fill the room with laughing gas.

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  • Door prizes and a raffle.

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  • "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."

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  • "And now, a word from our sponsor..."

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  • Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.

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  • Whine piteously, beg, cry...

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  • Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.

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  • The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")

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  • Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).

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  • Fashion show.

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  • "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."

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  • "I'd like to thank the Academy..."

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  • Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).

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  • Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.

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  • Pass the collection basket.

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  • Two-drink minimum.

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  • Black tie only.

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  • "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a

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  • Jew walked into a bar..."

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  • Incite a revolt.

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  • Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.

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  • Release a flock of doves.

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  • Defense by proxy.

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  • "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."

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  • Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.

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  • "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."

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  • "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"

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  • Bring your pet boa.

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  • Tell ghost stories.

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  • Do a "show and tell".

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  • Food fight.

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  • Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.

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  • Halftime show.

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  • "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"

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  • "OK - which one of you farted?"

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  • Rimshot.

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  • Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.

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  • Pass out souvenir matchbooks.

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  • 3-ring defense.

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  • "Tag - you're it!"

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  • Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.

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  • Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)"

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  • Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.

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  • Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.

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  • Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.

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  • Have a make-your-own-sundae table.

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  • Make committee members wear silly hats.

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  • Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.

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  • Do a soft-shoe routine.

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  • Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

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  • Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.

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  • "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."

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  • Tap dance.

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  • Vaudeville.

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  • "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."

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  • Flex and show off those massive pecs.

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  • Dress in top hat and tails.

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  • Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.

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  • Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.

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  • Shadow puppets.

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  • Show slides of your last vacation.

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  • Put your overheads on a filmstrip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.

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  • Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.

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  • "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."

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  • Call your advisor "sweetie".

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  • Have everyone pose for a group photo.

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  • Instant replay.

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  • Laugh maniacally.

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  • Talk with your mouth full.

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  • Start speaking in tongues.

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  • Explode.

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  • Implode.

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  • Spontaneously combust.

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  • Answer every question with a question.

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  • Moon everyone in the room after you are done.

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  • Rearrange the chairs into a peace symbol.

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  • Refer to yourself in the third person, like Julius Caesar did.

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  • Mention your professor as "my helper."

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  • Say that you'd like to thank a few people. Pull out the White Pages. Start reading.

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  • Advertise it as "pot luck".

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  • Talk in Klingonese.

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  • Dress like your favorite character from "Star Trek".

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  • Ask imaginary helpers to change transparencies; fly off the handle when they don't.

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  • Wear a trenchcoat. And nothing else.

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  • Dress in a Wild West style.

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  • Go dressed in scuba gear. Use the oxygen tank.

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  • Preface with the story of your life.

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  • Wear a swimsuit from the opposite sex: man - wear a bikini, woman - wear trunks.

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  • Have bodyguards on your sides as you talk. The bigger, the better. Have a questioner thrown out "as an example."

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  • Have someone wheel in a big cake with you in it. Jump out and begin.

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  • Perform your defense as a Greek tragedy, kill yourself offstage when you're done.

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  • Halfway through, break down. Go to your professor, curl up on his or her lap and call him or her "Mommy". Suck your thumb.

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  • Suddenly develop Turret's Syndrome.

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  • Suddenly develop the China syndrome.

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  • "This defense has been sponsored by the fine people at (your favorite corporation)..."

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  • Secede from the U.S. Give yourself political asylum.

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  • Talk in Canadianese - add an "eh" after every sentence.

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  • When a professor asks you a question, argue with your imaginary twin over the final answer.

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  • Videotape it ahead of time, and get someone set it up to show. Come in the back and sit there. When your tape is done, ask for questions. In person.

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  • Have every person pick a "CB" handle. Enforce their usage. Talk in CB lingo. End every statement with "good buddy." End every question with "over."

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  • Provide party favors. Noisy ones.

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  • Frequently ask if anyone has to go to the potty.

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  • Mention that you have to hurry because "Hard Copy" is on in 15 minutes.

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  • Dress like your school mascot.

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  • Urge your committee that if they like your defense enough to tell two friends, and then they'll tell two friends, and so on, and so on...

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  • Show up in drag accompanied by the Drag Queens you met at last night's performance and proclaim your thesis presentation will instead discuss: "Blue Eyeshadow: Our Friend Or Foe?"
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